Mommy of An Angel

A lot has been going on and it has been awhile since I have blogged about anything and things going on in my life. It has been a hard few months. Scotty and I have been put through a lot.

Around Thanksgiving I got sick and went to the doctor a few times and first they said I had sinus infection, then it was a strep throat and then phneumonia. I took weeks of antibiotics and I just kept getting sicker. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting better because I wasn't going and doing hardly anything. I was mostly just home laying in bed watching t.v. or sleeping.

It was worse by Christams. Everytime I told someone I was sick they would say I was pregnant or ask me if I was. All my life being told I would never be able to get pregnant Scotty & I had ruled that one out. Going on 5 years together we reallly didn't think that was it.

My baby sister kept telling me I was because she had a dream. So on January 5th, I got a pregnancy test because
1. Even though I have had a lot of sickness and "pregnancy symptoms" in my life I just didn't feel right and
2. I wanted to prove to my sister and I guess myself that I wasn't. I went to the store just get a few things and got a test and came home took it and was 90% sure I wasn't.
Before I got my pants pulled up I saw that little + sign on the strip and I almost fainted.

I couldn't believe it so I went out and bought 7 more tests. I called Scotty and told him and even though we were excited we were both worried and scared because of all the health problems I have. Worried about me and if I would be able to carry it and worried about me losing the baby.

It was Friday when we found out so I made an appointment for the next Monday and Scotty took off work to go with me. We went to the first appointment and they said it was to early to see a baby. Come back in two weeks and we would see if there was a baby. 2 weeks later I came back and there was a little baby. So far so good. The baby was growing good and the heartbeat was great. Since I was high risk I had a doctor appointments every week. I had a regular ob/gyn and a high risk ob/gyn.

I did that for several weeks and we got the ok that things were going to work out even though it was going to be a bit of a struggle so we decided to tell Scotty's mom. It was so cute how we told her. We got a little baby shirt that said "I don't have to take this I am going to Grandma's" we put it in a box and wrapped it and let her open it in front of her boyfriend and Scotty's brother. She was so excited and cried a little then she started to worry because she knows my health situation.

Even though I was sick all day every day I was told we were good. Then on Feburary 6th I went to see a few specialists and got bad news from all of them. I was told I wouldn't be able to carry it, In labor I wouldn't make it and they might not be able to save the baby and the news just kept getting worse. I had a very hard time with the news but I just drove myself home. A few times I had to pull off and thought I wasn't going to be able to make it.

I came home asked Scotty to leave work and I just kept getting worse. My heart wouldn't slow down and I could hardly breathe. We went to the ER and I was hooked up to all kinds of machines and given all kinds of medications. My heart was 176+ so the 3rd medicine they gave me was one that could cause a miscarriage. I had no other choice but to take it. I took it and my heart finally calmed down and I was released hours later. No miscarriage then so February 22nd I got worse.

Since the 6th I hadn't had a good nights rest or really ate much. I couldn't calm down thinking I was going to lose the baby, maybe dying or both of us dying. I tried telling them on the 6th I needed some medication for my nerves to help me through this but they wouldn't give me any. On the 22nd I had to be rushed back to the ER and this time my heart doctor came and consulted with the ER doctor and she told him I needed some medication for my nerves and that it was my nerves affecting my heart. They gave me the same medication before she got there and then they gave me some Valium to help me hoping I would calm down and maybe get some rest.

I came home later that night after 7 hours this visit and did manage to get some sleep and then waking up to take some other new meds I was given and having a bad reaction to it and I honestly thought I was going to die. I was in the floor, puking and had a fan on high but was pouring the sweat. I called my heart doctor and she said that I wasn't going to die or anything bad that medicine would make me feel horrible and to come into her office around lunch.

Several days if I went out I would have to be pushed around in a wheel-chair so when I went to her office I went in a wheel-chair. I was barly able to hold my head up. Came home to rest and doctor appointment out of state the next day and that was one of the worse days of my life. Our little miracle was gone. :( I was no longer pregnant. I had to have all the stuff done after you lose a baby and I have had such a hard time physically and emotionally.

At times I am not sure which one is worse, the pain of knowing we aren't going to have a baby or the pain from recovery. God knows what is best and it wasn't meant for us at this time and I may never be able to give birth to our child but one day we will have someone to carry one for us or we will adopt.

I am really worried about Scotty because when we got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat we were given a due date and it was his birthday 9/11/2012 I am worried he will always think on his birthday about the baby and how big he would have been and how great it would be to share that day with him.